As a follow-up to two previous posts (You are Missing From Me and The Beginning of the End of Learning) I think it’s safe to say I finally reached the end of that particular journey. I thought I had – how silly of me to presume such a thing! – but no, God had more lessons for me. I’m really slowwwwwwww it seems.
I have been judged so cruelly, rejected in such an incredibly painful way and yet I persisted. Why? I had not found the answer until recently. I found it after reading a seemingly random book, The Slow Regard of Silent Things by Patrick Rothfuss. It’s a short story about an enigmatic character from his Kingkiller Chronicles series. The writing is so lyrical, so invocative; the sense of “proper-ness” was so pointed. To me anyway.
It prompted me to think about propriety, about doing things the right way. Why though? I ended up being confronted with the feeling that my sense of loyalty had been violated. This is terribly ironic as the cruelty that had been dumped on me was prompted by a perceived disloyalty. It was a shallow evaluation and entirely without merit, but there it was. “Twisted.” It hurts to even write that word. Not the point though. I had not been able to give up on this person as my sense of loyalty prevented it. And it became toxic to me. So I offered a suggestion via mail to find closure in a proper and fitting way. In doing so I honored the depth of the relationship (from my perspective anyway). Another irony is that I was trying to show respect. This too touches on the lens of judgment I was seen through. It makes me sick still to think about it. So I’m not going to after this.
I’m done. I’m so done I will not even mourn your loss of me. I have honored my values, and by doing so my self-respect is fully intact. Oh wait, one more thing then. I forgive you. There, now I feel better.
The bottom of the rabbit hole is nothing more than the realization that our values – those guiding principles that define who we really are – are truly discovered only through trial. So when you are going through something be looking for the underlying value, the lesson that reveals your best self. The pain is worth it.